| The Philosophy And Ideology Of IKEA |
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Swedish Cult Takes A Common Sense Approach
This compound is known as IKEA. It’s friendly, safe, and daycare in the ballroom is free. Flying under the cult radar in most cities, the IKEANS have managed to infiltrate most urban, suburban, and exurban homes through practical common-sense wisdom, and inexpensive tea-lights. Their gospel is foreign and can be somewhat difficult to pronounce, but their seemingly-innocent message is as comforting as an European-sized duvet on a beech-wood futon. They want you to let them into your heart, and then...into your home. You may be surprised to learn that many households already have at least one IKEAN in their midst. Perhaps they are setting the table with SMIDE tableware, pouring a drink into a SVALKA wineglass, putting the kids’ toys away in a TROFOST storage box, or studying the tenets of the latest IKEA catalogue on a LUND armchair. Whatever their underlying purpose or intent may be, the IKEANS are doing it with a poise and self-confidence that comes from knowing that "the secret to living right is in the right home furnishings, at a reasonable price." According to the IKEAN philosophy, the perfect life isn’t pre-assembled in a cosmic factory and then shipped to earth, but its pieces must be put together by the people themselves. Fortunately, with some illustrated guidance and a complimentary allen key, the mysteries of the world are easily solved, and even a divine IVAR storage system can be unified in less than 20 minutes. The Ikeans believes that everything is made of the same material, from the simplest BASISK lamp to the grandest ASPELUND bedroom chest. With proper, logical packaging in flat boxes, which can be easily carried on the top of your Volvo or Subaru, this primeval “stuff” from which the world is made can be transformed into HEIMDAL or GRUNDTAL furnishings. The missionary work of the IKEANS focuses mainly on their annual catalogue which is sent to every household on earth. In many homes, and not just IKEANS, the catalogue occupies a prominent space in the library, perhaps next to the Holy Bible, the Kuran, or the local telephone book. Ikean followers will keep these catalogues for years, for ideas mostly, but also enlightenment, and even to show that although year-to-year styles may change, the underlying Truth of simple clean lines and easy-to-assemble products at cheap prices means Scandinavian styling. But you need not fear too much about Swedish indoctrination. IKEAN cult members are generally low-key and will limit their proselytizing to family, friends and co-workers. Despite this, their numbers are steadily growing, and it is only a matter of time before they surpass the Procrastinators in numbers. When that happens, look for a huge jump in productivity, but with a relaxed no-questions-asked return policy. 
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