Cardinals Threaten Vatican Strike

Pope John Paul II ruled the Vatican with an iron stick.

The cardinals (not the football Cardinals, nor the baseball Cardinals, nor the actual bird species) have been practicing Catholicism without a contract for over 2,000 years, and many are now saying enough is enough.

Although the cardinals aren't in a union, per se, they feel they have a collective agreement through custom, tradition, and belonging to a college.

"Before there were unions there were guilds," says Cardinal Alfa Romero di Romero, an unofficial spokesperson who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "And before guilds there were colleges, so you can see that our organization is much more established as a group of like-minded individuals working together for the common good than these godless Marxist upstarts you read about in the papers. On top of that belonging to a 'college' just sounds smarter."

But not smart enough to keep up with the cost of living, apparently.

The strike vote could happen as early as Friday, but may be delayed until Sunday if organizers feel there will be a bigger turnout. Sunday may prove to be difficult, as the Pope may issue an edict stating that Sunday services are essential services, which most cardinals are calling "papal bull-shit". Among the usual grievances about retirement, pensions, benefits, they are also looking at salary caps. The red skull cap associated with cardinals is outdated many feel. Some of the more radical elements are eyeing orange and light blue.

"Sikhs can have all sorts of colours for their turbans," said one angry white-haired cardinal sporting a shockingly bright red cape. "The fact that I'm forced to wear this one colour is making me see red!"

"It would be a 'cardinal sin' for us to continue working under these conditions," he continued. "On top of that, do you know how much bishops in the private sector are making? We're like pawns compared to those guys. We have to make the Pope understand that we elected him to that position, and if there aren't a few changes we may just recount those ballots."

The pope, who was himself a cardinal once, is rumoured to be not adverse to many of their demands, but does not want to appear weak. The requirement to work on Sundays is one area where analysts feel there may be some room for negotiation. The pope is considering a plan to stagger the sabbath among all the days of the week. Although many cardinals are open to the idea some traditionalists are worried it could lead to shift work.

Wages are the main concern for the cardinals, however. Cardinal Leo of Leone hasn't had a pay-raise for forty years.

"Pope John Paul II promised me a pay increase," said Cardinal Leo, "Unfortunately I didn't get that in writing, and now I'm back to square one with this new guy. We just don't have a proper pay scale in place."

"He better pray we don't enforce a preach to rule," he said.