From Superman To Superfather Print E-mail
Why Superman Couldn't Have Had A Baby With Lois Lane

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Could Superman really be a father to a human woman? It doesn't seem possible.
METROPOLIS-- In the movie Superman Returns, Lois Lane has had a child, and we eventually learn that Superman is the father. Is it too late to mention the word "spoiler"?

Could Superman, ever be a super daddy? How could this happen? It doesn't seem "humanly" possible.

Forgiving the scientific cartoon fact that Superman is an alien (who grew up on Earth), and that the possibility of his DNA being compatible with humans is about as likely as being hit by a green meteorite, the science fiction science doesn't make sense.

First of all, Superman is Superman, and Lois is a fragile human female.

Now, we might be able to believe that the Man of Steel has staying power between the sheets, but who can control the speed of their spunk? If Superman were to ejaculate, he would blow his super spooge right through Lois's back, firing the sperm out of his super cock at a billion PSI. It would be like hitting a Playboy centerfold with a fire hose.

Now, maybe if Superman super-pulled his own pud into his palm, he wouldn't kill Lois with his violent Kryptonic orgasm. And then possibly, he could then finger-fuck her with the genetic-material covering his fingers. I'm just saying it's possible.

But what about Superman's super-human sperm? Wouldn't those Kryptonian swimmers blaze through Lois's vaginal canal like Aquaman chasing mermaids in a soft ocean current? Even if Clark Kent's little spermies made it to Lois's egg without destroying her reproductive organs as collateral damage, Superman's dominant sperm would break through Lois's ovum like a jackhammer on an M&M.

Still think it's possible?

Even if we were to ignore these factors and believe that Superman could impregnate the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist with his superman-milk without killing her, then the super-fetus would certainly be the death of her.

How would Lois be able to withstand the might of her half-super-baby's womb kicks? All it would take is one spasm to the abdomen to punch a hole through Lois's tummy.

But, supposing she made it to term, could the doctor cut the half-super umbilical cord without a Kryptonite scalpel? Would the little super-baby bite it off with his teeth? Would he be able to rip himself a belly-button with his own super-baby hands?

No, the idea is as far-fetched as Jimmy Olsen being straight.

If Superman were to be a father, then Lois would have to be from the planet Krypton as well. It would take a super-woman to handle Superman's load.

So, then could Superman ever impregnate an Earth woman? Given the so-called facts, there's a slightly better chance that Batman's sidekick Robin would knock a girl up.Superman, Lois Lane, superman is a father, superman's son, superman's kid, superman's child

Editor: We recognize the similarilities between our article and Larry Niven's 1971 eassy: "Man Of Steel: Woman Of Kleenex". We also acknowledge the work of Kevin Smith and his quirky movie Mallrats. We didn't read the essay. We didn't see the movie. However, we just want to say that we think that the Disney/Pixar movie Cars is nothing more than a rip-off of Michael J. Fox's Doc Hollywood,

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This story about Superman being a father is brought to you by The Toque,
the world leader in super parody, super satire, and Superman humor.



 

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