Is That A Lightsaber In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Randy, a Jedi Knight, likes to tell the girls that he's hung like a Taun Taun.

Randy, however, is an exception. Randy, a rather ordinary guy, gained his Jedi rank because his father contributed large sums of money to restoring the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.

While most apprentices strive to become the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, Randy had other motives for progressing through the ancient Jedi order.

"I did it to meet chicks," he admitted. "Come on...who can resist a man in a uniform? Even if that uniform looks more like a bathrobe than the cloak of a warrior."

While Randy's motives don't necessarily put him on the path to the Dark Side, his intentions are not exactly pure.

"Hey, I haven't abandoned the precepts of knowledge and defense," said Randy of the basic tenets of the Jedi. "I just think that I should be able to explore my emotions, especially my powerful desires for lust and passion. You know, being horny doesn't exactly make me a Sith."

Randy, who denies accusations that he cheated on his Jedi final exams, has been spending most of his time in Mos Eisley, blowing his paychecks on ales and cute alien females at the Cantina. Randy admits that his Jedi status compliments his natural endowment and lends to his dark and mysterious nature, which helps him succeed with the ladies.

"Hey, it's not the size of your lightsaber that's important," replied Randy. "It's how well you can become one with the Force. One Jedi night with me, and you'll be a believer."

"Randy's kidding himself," said Kitty, who prefers to sleep with Stormtroopers, and insists they wear their helmets. "Randy's 'saber' is only good for about a milli-parsec, before it powers down. I'd rather French kiss a Hutt than waste another evening with Randy."

Unfortunately, Randy has been gaining a bit of reputation with the regulars, and his Jedi status hasn't been helping him. It was even rumoured that he was using his mind tricks to lure women to his bed, but apparently was only able to get the really drunk ones to bow to his "will".

"If he tries to 'Force' himself on me again," said Rebecca Lightwielder, a Cantina regular, "I'm going to go Imperial on his ass. I'll shove that lightsaber so far up his ass, he'll need a team of Jawas to go in and salvage it."