| Osama Bin Laden Threatens To Shave Beard |
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Al-Qaeda Leader's Message Is Shear Madness
Osama Bin Laden, in an audiotaped messaged, reportedly announced that he will elimitate all the hair on his radical Islamist face unless he receives sufficient funds that can be used for al-Qaeda's charitable needs, such as the promotion of hatred of the infidel, the purchasing of purifying weapons, and the elimination of the Israeli state. The fugitive al-Qaeda leader has reportedly not shaven since he escaped Afghanistan in 2001. Some al-Qaeda experts estimate the growth to be up to 9 inches in length at the chin. In the taped broadcast sent to the Al-Jazeera satellite channel, Osama used this latest opportunity to communicate his Jihadist message of cutting, clipping, and shaving. "By the grace of God, I will cleanse my face of hair, whiskers, and stubble to fight against the oppressive tyrannical superpowers," said bin Laden. "Let the West know that I am willing to sacrifice my good looks for the good of Islam." Osama bin Laden hopes his latest message reaches his target and that his Arab and Muslim brethren will open up their wallets, coin purses, and velvet money bags. "I call on Mujahedin and their supporters, especially in Sudan and the Arab peninsula to send in their pledges," said bin Laden. "I challenge the leaders of Hamas to match the donations of the Taliban. I want to see the Northern Alliance pull out their checkbooks! If these monetary goals are not met, by Allah, I swear my beard will be cut, like the Western funds to the new Palestinian government." Pakistani intelligence officials doubt the word of Osama bin Laden, saying that the message is nothing more than militant propaganda, and that bin Laden would likely reneg on the offer, and at most trim his beard to a managable, yet still stylish length. Meanwhile, American officials are quickly denouncing the face-shaving threat. "We will not submit to this terrorist's fundraising schemes, said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We wouldn't pay him 5 dinars to shave his ball sack." Previous rumours had suggested that Bin Laden would shave his beard in exchange for a truce with the West, but those were quickly denied. "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin chin!" shouted a defiant Osama bin Laden. 
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