Tree-Loving Hippies Are An Embarrassment To True Environmentalists

A wretched treehugger grinds his hips on an innocent cedar.

The treehuggers are reviving a ribald practice that was common in the 1960s. Thought to be a long-gone fad, like streaking, tie-dying, and wife-swapping, treehugging--a lewd act performed by perverted arboreal lovers--has made an unwelcome comeback.

Wherehouser claims to be seeing more and more treehuggers on forestry lands, where they can often be found clinging to cedars, embracing the alders, and feeling up the firs.

"It's lewd, crude, and rude," said 'Big' Jim Darduffer. "The sight of a hippie with his pelvis pressed up against a jack pine is really rather sickening. It's a perverted practice that does nothing for the trees. And really, it's all about the trees, isn't it? We want what's best for them."

Forest workers like Jim think that the "crystal-clutching, sandal-wearing, poncho-packing druids" are simply up to no good.

"I don't know what their environmental agenda might be," added Jim. "I doubt they have one. I think they're just looking for a piece of ash."

Treehugging isn't illegal, but is perceived by many in the forestry industry as an obscene activity that has no moral or social benefit. Treehuggers disagree, saying the practice brings them closer to nature by embracing nature itself.

"They've got it all wrong," barked Wildwood River, a lonely, desperate treehugger from Quadra Island. "They're barking up the wrong tree. It's knot as if we're getting aroused by this activity. There's nothing wrong with getting close to these giants of nature and showing how much we respect them.

"Okay I admit, sometimes I get a little wood, who wouldn't," said Wildwood. "It's perfectly natural, given their size and power, but it's all platonic, really. We just want to be close."

The court of public opinion hasn't ruled on the treehugger situation, what with war, poverty, and famine dominating the headlines on the world scene, but many believe that something should be done soon.

"I think we should cut 'em all down, run 'em through the mill, and make 'em into fancy furniture," said Big Jim. "And I ain't talking about the trees."