Iraqis Retroactively Overthrow Thousands of Years of Brutal Imperial Oppression

"Destroying statues of Saddam Hussein is a good start, but why stop there? He is not the only brutal dictator to crush the peasants of Iraq under his heel! Look at Sargon II, who proclaimed himself King of the World based on the submission and enslavement of his enemies! I mean look at this statue of him – or what’s left of it. I have already smashed most of it with my hammer."

Although most Americans are only familiar with the depredations and human rights abuses under Saddam’s Baath Party, Iraqis have longer memories. "Democracy has been a long time coming to us," says Dr. Rashid Al-Hazred, Professor Emeritus of Mesopotamian History at Al-Azif University, while supervising the historical cleansing. "Back in 2340 BC, our freedoms were curtailed to make way for the Akkadian Empire of Sargon I. We got out from under that only to find ourselves further restricted under the code of King Hammurabi of Babylon. To ease our minds of such burdensome memories, I have opened my storerooms of ancient clay tablets and seals to allow these painful reminders to be carted off and destroyed by mobs filled with patriotic fervor."

"Perhaps you’ve heard of Nebuchadnezzar?" Dr. Al-Hazred continued. "You know, the one who threatened the stability of the whole region when he overthrew Israel and sacked Jerusalem to help build the Assyrian Empire? This gravel underfoot was once marble carvings depicting his regime’s brutal activities and laws. Now that symbol of his power is gone, to make way for our blessed freedom."

Meanwhile, on the 2^nd floor of the (formerly) Saddam Museum of Iraqi Antiquities, the Bush-inspired cleansing continued. Coins – minted under Cyrus the Great (539 BC) and Alexander the Great (331 BC), were ceremoniously dumped out of windows and shoveled into wheelbarrows for redistribution to the needy people of Iraq. Swords and armor worn by Mongols under Hulagu Khan and Tamerlane were being crudely wrapped up in Ottoman rugs and carted out the back door. Jubilant Iraqis enthusiastically exercised their new, hard-won freedoms by destroying relics of the Abbasid Caliphate.

"Funny how things go," said one patriotic looter, pausing from an exhausting routine of powdering cuneiform stone tablets. "One day the British are installing the non-democratic Hashemite monarchy, the next day they’re installing democracy! I wish their Queen El-Izabet the best of luck when she runs for re-election!"

Things may seem to be going quite well in the task of erasing the degrading vestiges of past regimes, but a far greater task looms on the horizon. "These almost sub-human dictators are just the first targets of our pent-up rage," warns Hassani Akbar, a petroleum engineer, "but my colleagues in the Ministry of Paleontology tell me that, millions of years ago, our land cowered under the truly sub-human evildoer Tyrannosaurus Rex, whose name actually meant ‘King of Tyrants’. He was so sadistic, he actually tore his living victims apart with his own teeth and nails and swallowed their steaming entrails before their screams had died out! It was monstrous! The dregs of his regime lie buried under our sands, but towering structures resembling his skeleton still rise above the desert to mark the locations of his underground bunkers," he said, pointing to oil derricks on the horizon. "Soon, we will mobilize to burn what is left of his remains and be free of the influence his ‘oil’ has long cast over our nation."